Echoes
by Sparkie-43
Summary: One shot about Veronica's struggles following the season 4 ending. My way coping with my own pain


**Title: **Echoes

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Veronica Mars of the characters created by Rob Thomas because if I did a certain someone would still be with us. I also don't own the song Echoes by Keywest.

**Authors Note:** Only my third ever fic and I am using these as my therapy sessions now to try and come to terms with that Season 4 ending.

_I tend the ground where flowers still grow in the garden_

_I take good care of the pictures you hung on the walls_

_I live in last year when you were still here to guide me_

_But I'm glad you can't see this version of me I've become_

I thought I knew real pain. I thought losing my best friend and being raped all before I turned 17 was the most pain I would ever feel. I couldn't have been more wrong. This pain, it feels like I am drowning in it and that I'll never reach the surface. Wave after wave washes over me and it feels like I can't breathe for all the pain. I don't know if I can survive this. Survive losing Logan. Survive in a world without Logan. Without the love of my life.

Logan was the only person I ever truly loved. The only person I let see the real me and he loved me anyway, flaws and all. He loved me more than I think I deserved and definitely more than I ever thought I could ever be loved. There were so many times that the depths of his love terrified me, so I ran from it but no matter how hard I tried or how far I went, we always found our way back to each other. Not this time though and I don't know how to live with that.

I tried the safe options over the years. The relationships that I knew would never have the potential of hurting me when they ran their course. Boyfriends who thought that they saw me and understood me and that had a future with me. It wasn't fair to them and I'm not proud of myself for using them like I did, but at the time I thought they were what I needed and that relationships should be easy to be functional. I look back now and all I see is the time I wasted. Time that I could have been with Logan.

I know that we needed those years apart to become who we were, who we were meant to be. It shaped us and made us the people we were in order try again. Logan spent so long overcoming his demons, facing his past and controlling his issues that once seemed like they would destroy him. I gave him so much crap about being a "sanded down" version of the boy I knew, but I was such a hypocrite. I spent so long hoping he would change, that he would grow up and see that violence wasn't always the solution and that the answers wouldn't be found at the end of a bottle either. I think the only reason I gave him so much shit was because he had succeeded in becoming a better version of himself and I was still the same angry teenager who never grew up. I would give anything to have the sanded down version. To have any version Logan with me.

_You're still here like an echo_

_How do I let go?_

_When I hear your voice inside my head_

_I'm talking with ghosts_

_You're still here like an echo_

I have spent days, weeks, hiding away in our apartment, our home. I thought that if I ignored the outside world, it would be like he was just away for work and that he'd be home soon. I woke up sometimes thinking that I hear him coming home and in those few seconds of half sleep I forgot that's he's never coming home and when it all came back, it was like a blow to my heart all over again. I don't know if I can survive this pain. My dad, Wallace, Mac and even Dick try to pull me out of it but I am consumed by the my pain and my grief that I feel like I will never get past it. They say that time heals all wounds. I don't think so. Maybe someday I be able to breathe without it hurting so much, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

I spent my days sitting alone in a dark room wrapped in one of Logan's t-shirts, that still had the smell of his cologne. On the rare occasion I did leave the apartment I usually wore one of his shirts. I felt as if once I had something of his on me that he'd there with me. Like I had a piece of him there. But I know he's not and it's too painful. I once told him that if I lost him and my dad, that I'd put my head in an oven, because I would have lost the two most important people in my life. Sometimes I think that if I didn't have my dad I might have given in to the pain but then I remember the look in his eyes when I said that, and I know he would hate me for it. He would tell I was running away from it all. But there are days when I miss him so much that I feel like I won't survive. Why did it have to be Logan? Why?

_In my dreams, there you are as we travel by stars on the ocean_

_And I should stop reading the texts that I keep on my phone_

_I hope and not pray that maybe one day in a new life_

_I can let someone in and my world will stop spinning again_

We were supposed to be starting the rest of our lives. The newest chapter, as Mr and Mrs Echolls. Instead his story ended, and I'm supposed to find a way to go on without him. I'm not sure I know how to do that. I spend too much time looking at photos and videos I have of him. Dreaming of his smile and the sound his voice. I listen to the voicemails he left for me on repeat just to hear his voice ad hear him tell me he loved me. I feel like we wasted so much time being angry at each other. Time we could have spent happy. The one thing I will always be grateful for is that no matter how hard I pushed, he didn't leave, and believe me I pushed pretty hard.

In the end, I suppose someday that I will be thankful for the memories of a time when I was loved so completely, by an incredible man. I will be able to look back on our life together and smile and remember the love and happiness I felt. I think that day will come, but right now I can't see through this whole in my heart where Logan should be. I feel this loss to the bottom of my sole and I don't know what scares me more; living the rest of my life with this pain or the day when I realise the pain has numbed to a dull ache in back heart.

_You will always be a part of me_

_I have to live outside the memories of you and me_

_So please stop holding on, I can't stop holding on_

_I won't stop holding on, I can't stop_

Everyone tells me that I need to let go. That I need to move on. I don't know how. I had to move back into my dad's after I lost my rent-controlled apartment. It coincided with his hip surgery, so I made it seem like I was nursing him back to health, but let's be honest, I was the one who need the nursing. The move would have been hard enough with Logan here because it was our first home together and I have so many happy memories there, being with him. Moving without him was torture. My dad told me that I should use the move to start fresh and box up all Logan's things. The idea of it sent me into a dark hole that I could barely get out of. In the end we packed it all up and put it in storage. I couldn't bear to part with anything of Logan's. Moving from our only home was hard enough without getting rid of his things. I felt like it would be acting as if he never existed and that was too much.

I know Logan would give me shit for crawling into myself and shutting the world out. He would tell me that the Veronica he loved was a fighter and that I should find a way to move on. I just don't know how to do that without him. I spent 9 years without Logan and every part of me wishes I had swallowed my pride and gone back to him sooner. Back to the only man I had ever loved. I wasted so long trying to convince myself and everyone around me that I didn't need or want Logan in my life. I think I even convinced myself for a short time, but eventually I saw the light. I realised that as dysfunctional and volatile as we could be together, it was infinitely better than living a half-life apart. I just need to find a way to convince myself that I can go the rest of my life without him. Somehow, I don't think that's going to be easy, but I'll try. For Logan. For the love he gave me without question. But he will always, always be a part of me. And I will love him for the rest of my.


End file.
